In Yoga, our efforts to separate (kaivalyam) the internal mechanisms, which produce the seemingly seamless experience of life in this dimension, are serious efforts with serious expectations for serious results. Like a bundle of necklaces tangled together, with patience and precision produced by consistent yoga practice, the psyche becomes disentangled and can be experienced as a collection of parts.

Relentless self examination, interrogation, and application of the 8 limbed yoga method is a recipe for development of insight into all sorts of things. Inevitably veils are lifted through the process of yoga - and otherwise unknown connections within oneself are witnessed.

Yet, it must be recognized that we actually have little control over how our yogic progress unfolds. One simply cannot predict the true story of one's circumstances and all that is yet to be understood. We have to take it as it comes. 

I had an experience yesterday of communication between my personal kundalini life force energy - and me, the observing self. The life force energy gave me a clearly conveyed personal lesson on itself. The lesson was spontaneous in the sense that I didn't see the revelation coming, but not spontaneous in that, these things should be expected when actively pursuing spiritual awareness.

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Yesterday, at work, in the breakroom, alone. Totally quiet salon.

I was sitting down, did a typical upper body stretch to get my blood pumping and ready for my customer, closed my eyes, looked within, centralized consciousness in the middle of the head, as usual, looked down though the psyche into the kundalini reservoir at the base of the body - which suddenly began communicating person to person style. 

I became aware that I was in an acute, clear state of observation, under a gentle instruction of, "just watch this".

Kundalini showed me a miracle it had once provided me.  A phenomenon that assured not only survival of the body but also, and incredibly importantly, survival of , clarity of consciousness. The frame of consciousness I brought with me from my past life was preserved, despite the circumstances, due to this natural, albeit unusual, intervention.

I was transported back in time, like a quick easy roll though a short worm hole, taking a fraction of a rewind moment to get to - to the first days of infancy. 

I was in limbo immediately after birth - I had been marked for adoption. Even though my birth mother was in the same facility she was not allowed to see me.  As per Catholic adoption practices, we were separated at the birth so as to not make eye contact - much less physical. They promoted a severing of the mother/child bond continuum - right away.

My birth mother searched the facility during the nights she was there (she told me this herself) but the babies were kept on a different floor and in difficult to access locations. She wasn't the only young mother wandering the halls. One night she found me and was allowed to hold me a few minutes - but it didn't happen again. After that the reality was that she would never return.

Kundalini reminded me that babies cry at certain pitches and screams to try and attract a missing mother - we see this in many species.

It showed me how when I was a newborn, crying this way, I, like all babies in this situation, become exhausted and pass out in a form of psychological death. (We're talking about newborns here - so there is no ability to rationalize this missing-mother-disaster situation its in. It's all instinct during these first days and months.)  In the absence of the mothers electromagnetic energy transference which occurs when the child is held and nursed, strange things can happen to the infant psyche.

Eight days after birth, my adoptive parents picked me up at the agency. (Yay! Nice people! Willing to tolerate my anxiety provoked projectile vomiting!)

My adoptive mother says when they picked me up from the agency I was skinny and stinky. Go figure.  Later life experiences with the no-nuture-policy of the Catholic school system, I'm somehow not surprised.

In those interim days of not being mothered, just barely tended too, I experienced dark moments.  And kundlaini all of a sudden took me back too those very moments of infancy and showed me how it itself handled the situation. I felt no sorrow or trauma when viewing all this, just understanding.

Connections were made, here's what they are:

I've had full blown kundalini rises since childhood which I've described in other posts.  http://inselfyoga.net/index.php/blog/66-childhood-kundalini-rises

I'd cry about something as a kid, like skinning my knee. The cry would begin - but then I'd get caught in one of those mid cry no breathing states we've all been in. However, at the peak of this cry thing, I would pass out.

At least, externally, that's what it appeared.  My mom says sometimes I would just slither down her leg onto the floor, dazed. She took me to the doctor about it. He told her I'd 'grow out of it'.  (Good doctor, didn't try to use meds.)

But what was happening to me within my body and mind in those strange moments was a pleasurable kundalini rise. I was somewhere else completely.  My connection to this material world would slip away and I'd be in a different place. My pain would turn to an otherworldy magnetic type pleasure where the movement of time was different than in the physical.  Just imagine a kundalini rise, that's what it was. All of the exact same qualities.

What the kudanlini showed me yesterday is directly related to this.   The kundalini transported me back to my infancy, in the maternity center for unwed mothers, in between caregivers, hungry, lonely, bitter and crying. It showed me that I suffered little psychological deaths, several times, as the mother didn't show up as a result of all the effort made by crying. 

BUT WHAT DID SHOW UP, AND THIS WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF THE REVELATION, WAS THE KUNDALINI LIFE FORCE. 

It showed me that, it, the kundalini, kept my mind and body thriving, despite the catastrophe (from the infant perspective) by sending up pulses of life force energy through the central channel of the body. Kundalini rises. 

Weird. But that's what it showed. 

It again showed me the same scenario the next morning during meditation. 

The kundalini showed me how it swept up through the little body like a hero and kept a lonely baby going, gave pleasure to a lost child even for a few moments of relief, the kundalini showed how it made sure I lived this life and that I lived it without being broken. Despite this unnatural separation (kaivalyam, there's that word again) experience.

It showed me that that is why I continued to have those kundalini rises throughout childhood and why I am blessed to have them now.

It was also made clear that I did suffer those first several days, motherless, partially as karmic repercussion from committing suicide in my most immediate past life. A consequence for exiting my body early.

After the experience I happened to pick up the book Meditation Expertise by Michael Beloved and opened it to a random page but the perfect verse for this particular experience. Page 206. Chapter 3 Glory Displayed - Verse 36.

"Experience results from the inability to distinguish between the individual spirit and the intelligence energy of material nature, even though they are very distinct. By complete restraint of the mento-emotional energy while focusing on self-interest distinct from the other interest, a yogi gets knowledge of the indivudal spirit."